I Left My Husband To Save Our Marriage
I never though I would be the one needing a time out but after 12 years I knew something had to happen. I feared the worst and knew if I didn’t take this step what might happen next would be un-repairable. I just couldn’t figure out how to do it because when you love someone so much you don’t want to hurt them. Yet, each day that is what our words were doing to each other. Then it just happened, like a blast of a cannon the bubble popped and I was packing my bags. I was hurting but at the same time a weight was lifted off my shoulder. As I packed my daughter’s stuff with her and we waited for my mom to come pick us up, I couldn’t help but think about where we went wrong.
Where did we go wrong?
Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart but somewhere between kids, medical illnesses, life threatening diseases, surgeries, loss of family members, financial problems and stress, “WE” had become the last thing on our minds. So because of that our marriage fell apart slowly. I grew bitter and angry while he withdrew from I can only imagine was hurt and his own anger. Over the years,we would talk and hash things out for a while only to end up back in the same place 1 year, 6 months, or 2 weeks down the road. I dreaded being home and found that I was hating myself.
I have posted before about my struggle with Bi-Polar and Depression, so stability and my recovery are very important. I found myself being drawn back towards a place that I fought very hard to conquer. I was suffering from insomnia,manic episodes, and mood swings, yet I was taking my meds religiously. I felt suicidal on a daily basis and found myself “Cutting” one night in the bathroom just to gain control of myself. So on that day, I told him if we had a chance to save our marriage I needed to leave before we ruined it anymore than it already was. Plus our daughter couldn’t take our daily arguments and I don’t expect either of my children to sit and watch us tear each other apart. We had gotten really good at it and after 12 years you know what to say to hurt someone. I also noticed we both were withdrawing from others (we had withdrawn from each other a while before.)
Deep down I was tired of hurting the man I loved with mean words and angry barbs but that was the only way I felt I could protect myself. It took me years to break down the wall that kept me safe from being hurt and now the man who tore down that wall didn’t realize he was leaving my heart scarred. So in an attempt to save my marriage my husband and I separated.
6 Weeks Later
Then last weekend we went to BloggyCon14 together as a family. We put rules in place but the kids knew there is no guarantee of when things will go back to normal. It has been hard trying to navigate the waters of being separated,finding marriage counseling that is affordable, and figuring out where to we go from here. I almost wondered if this conference was even a waste of time but the kids had been looking forward to it for months. God brought us here for a reason. I sat in the back of the Be Still Retreat by Cheryl Pitt as she talked about Laying It Down at the Lord’s Feet, no matter what it is. He tells us in Matthew 11:18 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (NIV)
Listening to Cheryl Pitt speak made me realize that I can’t fix this on my own and I need to #LayitDown (Stolen from Cheryl). All the anger, bitterness, dissapointment, hurt, fear, self-loathing, lies, etc. need to be laid down and left there for the Lord to deal with. He has promised rest if we come unto Him but it is on His terms, not ours and too many times we try to barter with God. I am not the perfect wife but this next week, when I find the usual feelings welling up when things are not going the way they are supposed to, I am going to work hard and remember to #LayItDown. I know I will need to be conscious about this and will be finding myself doing this hourly (maybe minutely). However, I know overtime, it will become such a habit those things will not have room because my 1st thought will be to #LayItDown.
It will take time but I know with Marriage Counseling, focusing on God and what the Bible says that our marriage will be restored. It will be work but God never promised it would be easy. The Bible tells us in Matthew 11:29-30 “Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. 30“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” So it will be work but if we let God lead and leave God in control,our load will be light to carry but we will need to remember always to #LayItDown. If we forget then we are only adding to the weight we are already carrying.
After days of praying following the retreat, the Lord showed me that it was time to come home. The past weeks have allowed us to work on ourselves and now becomes the part of restoring our marriage and ourselves as a couple. The road will be long but we both know that with God on our side we can recover. That being said I do not for a moment regret separating. I know that if I had not left things would have gotten worse and I can only imagine where it would have gone.
It will be one step at a time and a constant reminder to #LayItDown but one day we will celebrate the renewal and regeneration of our marriage.