Several months ago I shared with you about my battle with BiPolar disorder. This disorder that I can tell people is like any other disease is so easy to turn my thoughts around and make me think it is a choice or something I have chosen in my life. For the past two months, I have been fighting this monster every day but never winning. It seems that it always has the upper hand. In my shame and depression, I started shutting people out. I didn’t want them to know that I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, or able to do what other people do in minutes in a day. I made the first mistake and spent the next 8 weeks making one mistake after another until everything fell down this weekend.
The BiPolar Monster came fighting full force and I had no strength left to give. It preyed on my physical weakness and illness to leave me in a crumbling heap of worthlessness. At least that is how I felt and all too soon my facade started slipping away. I then did what I should have done two months ago, I picked up the phone and called my Best Friend. In between my tears, she encouraged and chastised, she comforted and reprimanded and at the end she made me see that everything that was broken could be fixed and that things were not as bad as I thought.
She gave me strength to make the next call and talk to my mom. Who could only as a mom does lift me up and make me remember what each day is worth fighting for. I then told my husband and the truth and felt comfort in his arms as he reminded me that I wasn’t any of the things that I thought I was. Then came my angel,my daughter, to tell me she loved me and to just give me hugs as only she can. For the first time in 2 months,I saw a light in my darkness. I felt a warmth in the cold and a desire to get up and try again.
As I talked to all these people I did realize that I had one thing coming out of this and that was my marriage. Back in September I shared about our split and moving back home. Since then we have been working hard and before this happened I felt like we were going no where and wasn’t sure what 2015 was going to bring. Today as I start picking up the pieces of work that was unfinished and make changes to the thing we can change, I know my marriage is secure. Somehow thru these dark days, God has restored our marriage just like a diamond is formed under pressure.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds, I don’t even know the extent of today but I do know one thing. If you are fighting the BiPolar Monster, find one person and make that call. Tell them what is wrong and open up. You are NOT weak, You are NOT selfish, You are NOT broken. You ARE sick and just as any other illness requires medication, understanding and help, so does BiPolar Depression.
Don’t suffer in silence.
For more information about Bi-Polar or Depression you can visit the National Institute For Mental Health.
If you are someone you know are struggling there is help. Reach out to a doctor,nurse, or other healthcare professional. If you don’t think it can wait and is an emergency, head to the nearest Emergency Room or call 911.